You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
