i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
