I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
