lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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