I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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