It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
