The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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