dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
