Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
