Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
