I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
