I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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