i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize