I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
