I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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