I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
