I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
