I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
