I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
