Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
