A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
