i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Randomize
