I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
