ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
