I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
