My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
