I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
