The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Randomize
