Too much gin, very little bucket
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
