I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
This show inspires me to have sex in space
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
