I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
And then my night got REAL pukey
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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