Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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