I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
