I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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