Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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