i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
