I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
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In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.