i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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