Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(253): View more from Washington

Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab

(253): View more from Washington

I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.

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(253): Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab (253): I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea. http://tfl.nu/y0mn

Replies (3) Good night (2491) Bad night (713)
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(704): View more from North Carolina

I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.

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(704): I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum. http://tfl.nu/041y

Replies (11) Good night (681) Bad night (2841)
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(805): View more from California

Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.

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(805): Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick. http://tfl.nu/20nm

Replies (21) Good night (563) Bad night (2989)
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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show

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(202): Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show http://tfl.nu/lemk

Replies (22) Good night (2950) Bad night (809)
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(262): View more from Wisconsin

i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions

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(262): i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions http://tfl.nu/1ufy

Replies (33) Good night (4393) Bad night (953)
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(203): View more from Connecticut

I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.

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(203): I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under. http://tfl.nu/oj4t

Replies (14) Good night (3547) Bad night (814)
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(773): View more from Illinois

why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?

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(773): why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"? http://tfl.nu/okve

Replies (9) Good night (5900) Bad night (1371)
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(561): View more from Florida

definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?

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(561): definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful? http://tfl.nu/v0si

Replies (11) Good night (3473) Bad night (1456)
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(702): View more from Nevada

he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.

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(702): he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome. http://tfl.nu/3i6t

Replies (21) Good night (1194) Bad night (6986)
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(843): View more from South Carolina

i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.

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(843): i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding. http://tfl.nu/yb0x

Replies (15) Good night (1399) Bad night (3516)
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(219): View more from Indiana

Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.

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(219): Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills. http://tfl.nu/rh2h

Replies (5) Good night (2756) Bad night (866)
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(226): View more from Ontario

This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.

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(226): This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible. http://tfl.nu/a5mz

Replies (6) Good night (2991) Bad night (691)
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(970): View more from Colorado

I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.

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(970): I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through. http://tfl.nu/usec

Replies (2) Good night (701) Bad night (410)
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(828): View more from North Carolina

I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.

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(828): I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals. http://tfl.nu/0dw4

Replies (2) Good night (471) Bad night (655)
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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.

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(715): Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue. http://tfl.nu/ct5q

Replies (1) Good night (339) Bad night (519)

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