There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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