I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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