I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
