it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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