where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
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