ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
