my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
tell me about the eggs
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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