he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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