Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
