trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
