if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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