Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
