You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
