She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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