Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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