I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
