11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
